Monday, May 18, 2009

LHP Obama to Join Struggling Phils' Pitching Staff

In a startling move today, the Philadelphia Phillies signed President Barack Obama in order to address the team's recent pitching struggles. It's unclear whether the 47 year old southpaw will compete for the 5th spot in the rotation or join a tired bullpen that has been forced to compensate for the ineffectiveness of the starting pitching.

Last year, the Phillies made a push for Obama during the stretch run of their eventual world championship season. However, Obama spurned the team's offers, citing the 2008 presidential campaign as his top priority. However, as this season has worn on, he claims his desire to get out of the Oval Office and onto the mound has intensified.

"My change-up has the Phillies. A season filled with hope will once fullfilled," said Obama, as he pulled on his jersey for the first time. "Prosperous times in Philadelphia will once enjoyed. The freedom of championship baseball...will continue."

News of the signing spread quickly throughout the Washington region, with many of those on Capitol Hill expressing support for the president's decision. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi in particular offered her endorsement.

"I think the president's decision to pitch for the Phillies is a commendable one," she said. "To not step up and help this team defend its title would be torture, but then again, I'm not familiar with how torture works."

Detractors to the Obama signing included former presidential candidate John McCain.

"My friends, if I could lift my arms above my shoulders and not wave to people like Frankenstein, I would have been the most logical choice to not only be president, but also to pitch for the Phillies," he said. "What the president has done in signing with this team is nothing short of mean-spirited."

Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. defended the Obama signing and hopes the president can help the team repeat as world champions.

"Last year, he did a hell of a job with his campaign while we were simultaneously on our way to winning the World Series," said Amaro. "I don't think that was any coincidence."

President Obama signs autographs for fans shortly after signing with the Phillies

Most Phillies themselves were nothing short of thrilled, starting with the team's skipper.

"You know like, we wanna win and you know, he's proven successfull know like, his presidential run, and we think he know like, help us eat up some innings," Phillies manager Charlie Manuel, whose pitchers have been scuffling, said with confidence. "I think he gives us like, you know, a chance to win."

Phillies' shortstop and nine year veteran, Jimmy Rollins said that he looks forward to becoming teammates with President Obama and cited himself as one of the main driving forces behind the completion of this deal.

"Last year, while I was making campaign calls on his behalf, I couldn't help but wonder if he'd keep that in mind while the '09 season played out," said Rollins. "I guess you could say at this point, with the change he'll bring to this clubhouse, there's no way the Mets should even bother stepping on the field against us!"

Other players couldn't contain their exuberance upon hearing the news of Obama's signing.

"Barack Obama...BARACK F@#%ING OBAMA!!!," exclaimed second baseman Chase Utley as he sat at his locker.

Despite overwhelming support, one Phillie in particular took exception to the Obama signing as a response to his recent struggles.

"I know I haven't pitched all that well lately," said pitcher Jamie Moyer. "But one thing I've always had going for me is being the oldest player in the game. Now even that's been taken away from me."

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