Thursday, January 21, 2010

A Letter From Satan to Pat Robertson

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher.

The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamor, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake.

Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad.

Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.


Disclaimer: I am not the original author of this piece and do not, in any way, take credit for writing it.


  1. Actually Haiti's king from maybe 150 years ago actually went on record as to making a pact with the devil, and Voodoo came out of Haiti which some would call demonic. Truth God is the Lord of Hosts he does seek vengeance and pours out wrath on the wicked. Pat said the same thing when Katrina happened. It is an unpopular thought but in reality it could be God judging the world or New Orleans (on a side note Voodoo is also big there). The reality that God is going to judge the living and the dead is also an unpopular thought with the masses but that doesn't make it less true. God is sovereign over all things, even the Earth Quake in Haiti.

  2. Hi Brian, I don't believe at all that this is a matter of someone saying something that's unpopular but true. I've got no conflict with God being sovereign over all things. And while I still can't understand it, I know God allowed this earthquake for some purpose that we may never fully comprehend. And I have no conflict with the fact that God is the judge of the earth and there will come a time -- a time that has not yet come -- when all people and all nations will be judged at the second coming of Christ.

    But for this nutjob to go on TV and say these people did this thing a long time ago, so now they're cursed? Utter foolishness from a fool who's said a long list of foolish things throughout his life.

    The Bible says the whole universe is cursed because of the fall of man, not just Haiti, New Orleans, and select parts of New York. What about other places that are flourishing, that are known for what even morally relativistic people would call "sinful" places? Vegas comes to mind...

    I'll quote another friend of mine who blogged about Robertson's comments, as I feel he hit the nail on the head: "At a time when thousands of people have recently died and thousands more are left to mourn and question what has happened, this idiot goes on national TV and makes this ridiculous statement. This is the polar opposite of how Christians should be responding to this disaster. There is nothing redemptive, nothing gospel-centered, and nothing Christ-like about this type of stupidity."